13 Novembre 2015 - Attacks in Paris

Last night after putting Prunette to sleep and waiting for her parents to get home, I changed into my PJs, grabbed my thoughtfully prepared backpack, and headed out from Asnieres to Paris on the metro. I was in a pretty fantastic mood. I was off to meet Olivia (English friend) at her flat in Paris where we planned to get a good nights sleep before getting up super early to take a 7:45am bus to Brussels, Belgium! I couldn’t wait to take my first international bus and to see a new city and a new country for a whole weekend with a great friend! We had plans to eat lots of waffles and chocolates and meet up with two different exchange student friends of mine during our trip. We got in bed relatively early and spent quite a long time talking. The wifi at her flat wasn’t working so instead of watching a movie or something, we laughed and talked as I showed her all sorts of videos and pictures saved on my phone of my friends and family back in California. At around 11pm, I got message from Anastazja (Polish friend) saying that there had been a shooting and a suicide explosion in Paris and that I send a message to my mom to tell her I was okay. When I went to send my mom the message, the internet on my phone wasn’t working very well, but after a few minutes I was able to send messages to my mom and dad. I didn’t explain what had happened in my messages, because I was pretty confused as to what was going on, but Anastazja made it sound urgent so I sent them the messages before trying to go online and read about what had happened. The internet was being really slow, though, and I was tired, so Olivia and I turned out the lights and began to fall asleep. After about a half hour, my phone started buzzing. I ignored it at first, but it kept making noises so I sleepily rolled over to see what all the fuss was about. I opened my phone to several different texts from different friends in France. They were asking me if I was okay and whether I was at home or not. I was confused, but I began to get the feeling something very bad had happened. A message from my friend Jess (Canadian) informed me that there hadn’t just been one shooting, but multiple throughout Paris and that it was a terrorist attack. I quickly woke myself up as best as I could and began to send messages to all of my friends in Paris making sure they were okay. I felt panicky. I wanted to calm down by thinking positive thoughts. I told myself my friends were probably absolutely fine and that I was getting worked up over nothing. I told myself it would be funny in the morning. But then I heard the sirens (which didn’t end up stopping for hours) and I could feel in my gut that whatever was going on was pretty intense. My friends were quick to reply to my messages (THANK GOD); telling me they were okay and either safe at home or on their way to being so, which brought me momentary feelings of relief. I was safe inside Olivia’s flat, my friends were safe in their own houses, and my parents had recieved my messages and knew that I was safe. For these things I was grateful, but I still didn’t understand what was going on. WHO was shooting people and WHERE were people being shot and WHY was any of this happening? Had the shooting stopped yet? The abulances sure hadn’t. If I had been at home in Asnieres, I could have turned on the TV to find out or asked Fred and Cecile what was happening. My internet kept fading on and off, but I spent a long time trying to load different articles on my phone so I could understand the situation the city was in. A little later, I got a call from Maira saying that France had declared a state of emergency and shut off its borders so I wouldn’t be able to go to Belgium in the morning. I had completely forgotten about Belgium! My internet began to work a little bit better and I began to recieve a lot of messages from my friends all over the world asking if I was okay. I decided to post a status on Facebook so that when people saw the news they would know I was alive and well, but I had to try loading it for about a half hour before it would actually post.

I know this story might be confusing, and I am sorry that I am not telling it in a more simple way. But honestly, I was exhausted when all of this was happening and very emotional, and as I write this I am still quite exhausted and emotional so just bare with me. 

I honestly spent most of that night crying my eyes out. I had been informed that hostages had been taken and that over 80 people had been killed already but they weren’t done counting. Curled up in a bed on the floor, I listened to the sirens and helicopters and I could feel the fear for all of Paris and it made me sad because I knew that in other parts of Paris, worse things were happening to other people. What really scared me was how random the locations had ended up being. They were places like Republique and Bastille where my friends and I go all the time. I imagined what it would be like if Maira or Cameron or Nick or Jess hadn’t responded to my messages…if they had never ended up responding, and how I would feel, and then I cried harder because in different parts of Paris, that was currently happening the friends and families of many unlucky Parisians. I eventually fell asleep and slept for about a solid two and a half hours until the alarm we had set for 6am woke Olivia and I up. We accepted that we weren’t going to Belgium, which was sad, yes, but literally the least of our worries. We spent the morning drinking tea (according to Olivia, when times are bad, we ought to drink tea) and calling our loved ones to discuss what had happened. We found a little radio in Olivia’s storage room and listened to try to understand what a lady was saying in very fast French. The radio lady said that Paris was on lockdown and that people should stay at home. She said all museums, schools, and markets would be closed and that curfews were going to be inforced. The news said that the 8 attackers had been killed, but that there could still be accomplices on the loose. I decided to stay until around noon before taking the metro back to Asnieres. I understood that traveling was not advised, but there was a reasonable amount of other people in the streets and all I wanted was to get home. On the metro, everyone looked like they had gotten very little sleep. Most of France, I believe, spent the night watching the news for updates. People on the metro also had a cautious look in their eye, as if they didn’t trust anyone.

When I got back to Asnieres, Fred and Prune and I went to the forest for a walk. Since we don’t live in Paris, leaving was more acceptable. I changed into workout clothes and ran in the forest during the hour or so that we were there. While I was running, the forest felt emptier than usual, and the sky was grey and even the trees seemed sad. Tears began to fall as I ran around in the woods, and I just let them. The few other runners who saw me seemed to understand. Some of them were crying too.

 

This tragic experience has lasted less than 24 hours, but it feels like its been three days. I feel a huge loss in France, my third home. The kind of loss you can only feel when you’re close enough to see the pain but too far away to actually help heal it. I know that tragedies like this have happened before many times, are happening in other countries currently, and will happen again in the future, but this one happened so close to where I am that I cannot help but feeling a tremendous sorrow. When many people are killed at once, we often see them as a collective number which makes the pain easier for us to deal with, but I cannot help remembering that about 150 innocent people just like me left their homes on a normal Friday (like me and all of my friends have done a number of times) to be shot to death in the streets of Paris. It is as if, all of a sudden, today and yesterday have nothing in common.

 

 

I want to say that the messages I have recieved from countless friends and family members all over the world during this scary time has made me feel extremely loved and blessed. While I myself am not religious, I have felt your love and prayers deep down in my heart, and while I am working through the sadness these events have left me with, your support has made me feel a lot stronger. I cannot thank you enough for being there for me, even from so far away, and offering to help me however you can. Tonight I will go to sleep early and get a lot of much needed rest. I am safe and warm and I promise I will be careful. I love you.