About 10 months ago, I was sitting in the Scandanavian Airlines section of an airport bawling my eyes out because I felt heart broken and lonely and weak and exhausted. I was about to embark on my second year abroad, and knowing that millions of other young people would kill for the opportunity I had been presented with, I decided to write the cheeriest blog post I could and focus on the positive feelings I felt; the ones I wanted to remember.
But the thing is, I remember all of the sadness. I remember trying to surpress my sad feelings because I knew they would pass, but not being able to. I remember arriving in Paris and not unpacking the first three days because THAT is how badly I wanted to go home. I felt I had made a mistake; I had moved around too quickly and I simply wasn’t strong enough to think positively.
In the begginning of my year in Paris, I did a lot of sugar-coating in my blog posts because I knew complaining wouldn’t make me feel better. If I ever wrote that I was having a bit of a hard time, I can assure you whatever was happening was twice as hard for me as I made it seem in writing. I am not a liar, but I do tend to trick myself into thinking that I can think my way out of my feelings hahaha.
Why am I telling you this? Well. At this very moment I happen to be sitting in the Scandanavian Airlines section of an airport, tearing up because I feel full of love and happy and hopeful. In the last two days I have said goodbye to people who have become as close as family to me in the past 10 months and whom I will miss dearly. But this time, the strong emotions I have upon leaving and the difficult goodbyes I have had to say have not left me feeling week. I feel strong, actually! I feel like I have gotten through a year that has really tested my spirits and doing so has allowed me to grow and change and see the world in brand new ways. You know, all the stuff they said would happen hahaha.
I am about to start a very long and very interesting voyage back home, which involves going from Paris to Oslo, Oslo to Copenhagen, and then finally taking the big flight from Copenhagen to San Francisco! Not the most efficient route (by any means) and all of this will take over 24 hours, but it was the cheapest option! So I am content.
Also! These past two days have been weird and filled with bitter-sweet goodbyes, but they have been super fun too!
(I just found out that my flight is delayed until midnight… Hahahah. It is 10pm and everyone is PISSED. Except me hahah. I had a 7 hour lay-over anyways!)
On Tuesday, I met up with my remaining au pair friends for a goodbye picnic. There were five of us in total: Jess, Marlene, Camila, Chloe, and me! We met up at Parc Monceau and spent some lovely last hours lying in the grass together and telling stories and laughing. The weather was wonderful and we brought along grapes and cakes and sandwiches to enjoy. I was happy to spend my last full day in Paris doing some light picnicking because I think that is one thing that Parisians certainly do best!
Before heading off to work, we grabbed one last coffee together! My last over-priced Parisian espresso! We sipped our espressos outside on those little woven chairs, too. So perfect!
When it was time to say goodbye, the goodbyes didn’t feel real. Especially with Jess. I adore my other au pair friends, but I have to say that Jess has had the biggest impact on me and my time in France. She is the longest and most steady au pair friend I have had, and not seeing her every few days will be so strange. I know I will see Cool Tough Jess again, whether it be in Canada or California or somewhere in between, but saying goodbye still felt super weird and annoyingly early. It didn’t even occur to me while we were in the park that it was a goodbye picnic until the end when we were all hugging! Hahaha. I love all of those girls. I love Chloe’s sense of humor and Marlene’s ability to wonder and I don’t really know Camila that well but she is half chilean and comes from SF so OF COURSE she is awesome!
Later that day at the park after school, I spent my last little bit of time with Anastazja. We had our own little picnic of raw coconut bits and strawberries, and I brought some candy to give to Chloe and Maxime and Prune. Once again, it didn’t feel like the last day. Anastazja and I spoke about casual things as we munched on our summery snacks, and when it was time to leave I almost just called out “Bon! A demain!”
Chloe and Maxime were sad that I was leaving and they gave me goodbye hugs. Prunette ran around giving everyone goodbye hugs too, clearly misinterpreting the situation hahah. Anastazja began to cry as we hugged goodbye and passed me a letter she had written for me. Seeing her cry like that, just because I was leaving, made me wish that I could cry too because I wanted to show her that I felt the same way, but my tears never seem to fall at the right moments. I told her this, and she said she was happy for me because she knew I had missed home all year, but that I was part of her every day life and now I just wouldn’t be there anymore and that she would miss me a lot. I wished she could read my mind and understand that some days, she was the only reason I stayed in France.
That evening, after dinner, I decided to give Prune the little polka-dotted stone rock that I had been holding for her as a goodbye present. I told her that it was a magic rock that she had to take verryyyyy good care of. I held out my arm and showed her how the rock held some of my freckles in it, and that I had put them there just for her. I told her that the rock would be there if she was ever sad or lonely or if she ever missed me, and that all she had to do to make it work was hold it and hug a pillow, and that the rock would make her heart happier!
It was all fun and games until two minutes later, I found her on the couch, holding the rock and hugging a pillow. I asked her why she was doing that, and she told me that she missed me already. I didn’t want her to see me cry, so just sort of took some deep breaths and carried on with the night time routine. Cecile arrived soon after that! We watched a little bit of a movie together, had some dinner, and then I went in my room and stayed up very late packing.
While I was packing, I ran into Anastazja’s letter and couldn’t help but open it. About half way through I was reading through tears, but when I got to the last sentence I began bawling. She complimented my progress in French (which all due to her and Cecile, really), talked about the freindship we had created, and even drew me a picture at the end of our park family. What really hit me was how beautifully she wrote in French, and how full of meaning all the little simple sentences she wrote were. I sent her messages as I cried after reading her letter and before going to bed. I couldn’t believe I wouldn’t see her for awhile after that and I hated that we had to say goodbye. A week before I had felt like I would be in Paris forever, and in that moment it felt like I wasn’t supposed to leave!
This morning I woke up to Prune’s little footsteps running around upstairs. We had a pretty normal Wednesday morning! We had breakfast together, got dressed, and then walked to her gym class. It was sunny and warm and I let her ride her scooter all the way there! While Prune was at her gym class, I sat outside with my Spanish au pair friend, Sandra, and we read quietly together. We would have talked (she is like my only Spanish practice and a fantastic conversationalist) but I really wanted to finish Cecile’s book before leaving! I ended up being able to finish it by the time the class was over, and when it was time to leave all the moms wished me luck in life and Sandra gave me a big hug goodbye! I am SO visiting her someday! :D
When we got home, Prune took a big nap and I began to do my last little bit of packing before cleaning the heck out of my bedroom. Throughout the year, I cleaned my room at least once a week, but I wanted to make it spotless for my departure. I wanted Cecile to have never seen the room that clean! When Cecile got home later, she said it was soooo impressively clean and that I didn’t have to do that! But I felt good about it. That family had been so good to me, and I wanted to give my final best back.
Fred’s parents arrived a little bit later. I had tea with Marie and she enjoyed some of the sand castle cake I had made and said it was delicious. :) Cecile and Prune had gone to Prune’s horse backriding lesson and I had stayed home to let the grandparents into the house and it was nice to get to see them one last time.
When everyone was home and it was time to say goodbye, I went around to hug everyone and Cecile started crying and I was shocked. Cecile is someone that I still don’t know where to put into my mind, because she is so fierce yet so kind and so focused and so creative and so critical and so loving all at once. And she cried because she would miss me! ME! I really didn’t see that coming and I hugged her and wished I could cry with her. I told her I would definitely cry on the airplane, and she said she understood. She handed me photos she had printed out of me and the family and even gave me a cute little purse and told me that we now having matching purses! She told me she had been cryng all day whenever she thought of me leaving, and I was overwhelmed with the pride of meaning so much to her.
Saying goodbye to Prune was a quick and simple. We hugged goodbye and she kissed me on the cheek and I kissed her on the cheek and then I got into the car with Fred. I had been saying goodbye to Prune for the past week, and there was nothing more I could do in that little last moment. I left letters for both Prune and Cecile/Fred at the house and hoped the letters would do a good enough job of explaining how much I adore that family.
Fred and I left for the airport pretty early just in case there was traffic, and there wasn’t hahaha. We arrived about two hours before my flight would leave, but I was happy because that meant there was lots of times for problems to happen and be fixed! Fred helped me all the way he could. When we stopped at the baggage drop, I asked the lady how much it would be to check another bag, and she said it would be 91 Euros! Seeing that I looked a littel discouraged, she advised me to simply pay for one overweight bag so it would be 40 Euros instead! I was thrilled to hear that, and I happily began rearranging my bags in the middle of the airport. This sight must have made her happy, because afterwards when I went to pay she said it was free for me! :D I love people!!!!!! Fred walked me as far as he could, and then offered to buy me dinner since we had so much time. But I was so ready to just sit down and start blogging and I really wasn’t hungry and I knew he probably wanted to get home to his parents and Cecile and Prune, so we said goodbye and I took off to my gate!
And here I have been, for about three hours now, just blogging away and waiting for my plane! While I have been writing I have eaten a sandwich and some carrots that I packed and I even helped translate for some paramedics who were helping and English man who wasn’t feeling to well and didn’t speak any French! So I have been having a pretty good time at this airport hahaha. My plane will leave in about 45 minutes, so that is cool.
I might do some blogging tomorrow morning while I am waiting for my last plane in Copenhagen! Until then, I hope you enjoyed the last chapter of my Parisian adventure and that you won’t miss my blogging too much when I get back to a normal life in the States. :D
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